On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Haha good job!!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.