Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Self-cleaning conscience
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
That was easy.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off