My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
You Might Also Like
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful