I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.