Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
incredible book dedication
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️