Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?