I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!