Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.