“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.