Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
You Might Also Like
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Not messing around
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.