[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope