I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Duck typos.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat