*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
bears
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.