I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
🛁
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.