I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
work smarter, not harder
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts