obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*