when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know