HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.