My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.