I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You Might Also Like
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
As the Lord intended
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail