If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
what?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.