who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
School be like