me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
😂😂😂
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one