were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”