THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine