ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
You Might Also Like
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
can’t bark with your mouth full
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.