lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
This is my cat’s medicine.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.