I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
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According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Happy Febuary everyone!
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Ironic
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache