The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
How software testing works
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine