Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
There’s only one good girl here!
How wrong was this guy?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard