i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
How funny!
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion