*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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I drew y’all a little something.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Something Saturday.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.