as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Flowers bee like
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.