After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
buys donuts instead
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.