not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
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Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Goodnight 🐶
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected