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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door