I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?