This is the coolest video you will see today.
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now