“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*gets down on one knee*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.