we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
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Printer)Here’s 8,000
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”