My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
At least try to make it slightly believable
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)