Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Childbirth is so beautiful
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.