“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Can. I. Help. You.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog