me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Those are good neighbors.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.