Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.