favorite tropes as memes
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NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
j o i m p
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide