a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.