Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.