SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.