A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
How to properly lift a body
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Lo AND behold? in this economy?